These expressions point, on the one hand, to the full extent of forgiveness—namely, that it must be unconditional, unlimited, and must not leave even the slightest trace of the wrong done to us in our hearts, in imitation of Him who assures us: “Their sins and lawless deeds I will remember no more” (Heb 10:17). On the other hand, they also explain the nature or character of forgiveness, as we are called to practice it.

Generally, we give too little thought to what it truly means to forgive someone who has wronged us—as God has forgiven us. How often do we say, “I forgive you,” but then—perhaps not in words, but inwardly—add, “But I can’t forget it.” Such a forgiveness does not align with the exhortations in Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13. On the other hand, there is also the risk that we might go too quickly, or even immediately, to the person who has wronged us and assure them of our unconditional forgiveness, without regard to the spiritual condition they are in. That, too, would not be godly forgiveness; instead, it would mean we misunderstand its true character and might actually encourage the guilty party to treat evil lightly, rather than being genuinely helpful to them.

All too often, we forget that an offense against another person is, above all, a sin against God—a truth clearly taught in Psalm 51:4 and other passages. To declare our full forgiveness to a brother while he has not yet felt or acknowledged the seriousness of his sin, which has truly been committed against God, is neither genuine love for our brother nor seeking his best. That is why, following the exhortation in Col 3:13, it adds: “Above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection” (verse 14). Divine love always seeks the good of the other and will, in every situation, help us find the right means to soften the heart and conscience of the one who has wronged us. Once this goal has been reached—when the offender has recognized his wrongdoing and humbled himself sincerely—then, forgiveness is appropriate.

How has God forgiven us in Christ? After we confessed our sins and sincerely repented. On the basis of Christ’s work, which has fully satisfied His righteousness, He is ready to forgive any sinner—but He can do so only after there has been true repentance. Can forgiveness be extended to someone who does not first acknowledge his need for it?

This same principle also applies to a believer who has fallen into sin, who experiences the consequences of his disobedience under God’s ways, and seeks forgiveness from Him. When could David say to God, “You forgave the guilt of my sin”? Only after he had confessed his sin and acknowledged his transgressions to Him (Ps 32:5).

Before he arrived at that point, while he still remained silent, he underwent the heartfelt struggles described in verses 3 and 4, times in which he did not yet enjoy the blessedness of forgiveness. Only when confession passed his lips—“I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I have not hidden. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord’”—did he then know, “And You forgave the iniquity of my sin.”

It is no different when it comes to the people of God as a whole. For example, take Solomon’s prayer at the dedication of the temple in 1 Kings 8, especially verses 46–53, along with part of the Lord’s response to that prayer in 2 Chronicles 7:13–14: “When I shut up the heaven and there is no rain, or command the locusts to devour the land, or send pestilence among My people, if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin.” Whether we are dealing with personal failings of individuals or the sins of God’s people collectively, the way is always the same: humility, confession before God, and turning away from evil. Only then can God forgive, and it is His joy to do so.

We find the same teachings in the New Testament: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

How earnestly Moses longed, after the people had made the golden calf, that the Lord might forgive their sin! With what heartfelt intercession did he plead for the people as he returned to the Lord! “If You will forgive their sin – but if not, I pray, blot me out of Your book which You have written” (Exodus 32:32). Yet God could not grant His servant’s request; instead, He answered: “In the day when I visit for punishment, I will visit punishment upon them for their sin” (verse 34). But why did He not forgive? Because the people had not repented of or confessed their sin. In an attempt to bring them to that point, Moses burned the calf they had made, ground it to powder, scattered it on the water, and made them drink it. Yet the people expressed no sign of repentance—nor did Aaron. Without question, Aaron bore the main responsibility, for he and Hur had been entrusted with the care of the people during Moses’ absence on the mountain. Yet he did not acknowledge his responsibility, but rather shifted all the blame onto the people: “You know the people, that they are set on evil.” Then, to justify himself, he gave Moses a very inaccurate account of the events: “I said to them, ‘Whoever has any gold, let them break it off,’ so they gave it to me, and I cast it into the fire, and this calf came out” (verse 24). But the Word of God states the facts as they were: “He received the gold from their hand, and he fashioned it with an engraving tool, and made a molded calf” (verse 4). According to Aaron’s own words, he had done nothing more than take the gold from the people and throw it into the fire, and then, so to speak, the calf had simply emerged on its own! He himself was completely innocent in the matter.

Don’t we sometimes—just like Aaron—try to find excuses for our sins instead of honestly acknowledging and confessing them? Neither the people nor Aaron felt any sense of guilt, and as a result, there was no confession of sin. Could God forgive under those circumstances?

From these examples, we recognize the true nature of forgiveness, including how we are to practice it if we want to be “imitators of God” (Eph. 4:32; 5:1). And the Lord Jesus affirms these teachings with the words: “If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you , saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him” (Luke 17:3–4). If someone has wronged us, there must, without question, be thoughts of grace and forgiveness toward the guilty party in our hearts, but outwardly expressing these feelings must be preceded by repentance and confession.

How difficult it often is for us to admit a wrongdoing, to humble ourselves under it, and to confess it! We can understand why an unbeliever would resist humbling himself before God, but even a believer—who still possesses the same corrupt heart—sometimes finds it very hard to sincerely condemn and confess a transgression. Often, this takes a work in the soul that only God can accomplish.

Does this mean that the one who has been sinned against should do nothing at all and simply wait until God produces repentance and confession? That would perhaps be as much a lack of love as it would be to offer immediate, unconditional forgiveness before the necessary conditions are present. Certainly, only God can bring about repentance and humility, but He is pleased—in many cases—to use various instruments to accomplish this work. How easily, under the pretense of being powerless, we forget our responsibility to minister to the person in question! Such a ministry must be carried out, not because we think we can effect change in the person’s heart ourselves, but in confidence that God, in His time, will work in the soul and thereby respond to the patient faith of those waiting. The love that we are exhorted to “put on” in Colossians 3:14 will create within our hearts a readiness to forgive, even though forgiveness cannot yet be expressed because our brother’s conscience has not yet been awakened. Love “in deed and in truth” (1 John 3:18) will find a way to reach the heart. It will not be deterred by anything likely to discourage it but will persevere in its ministry of love, until the soul—prepared by God’s all-powerful grace—comes to true repentance and an honest confession of sin. The results will become evident when God has completed His work. Then, forgiveness can be extended without reservation or limitation. That is to say, to forgive “just as God in Christ has forgiven us.”

If these divine standards were more prevalent among us, we would surely experience a blessed development in our relationships as brothers and sisters; all clouds would quickly and completely disperse. Alas, how much failure in this respect we must lament! So often we allow tensions or even more serious issues to linger because there is no inward exercise of heart on either side, and earnest efforts to resolve them are lacking—despite the Word’s clear exhortation to do so. Or we forgive without reservation, without making the slightest attempt to awaken in the soul a sense of its guilt before God. This is, without a doubt, easier, as it requires neither personal heart-searching nor loving, caring efforts. And it is precisely this that hinders a restoration of the offender that is pleasing to God. In either case, it results in great loss for those involved personally and for the whole assembly.