In one of the last articles, we reflected on the danger of “situationship.” That was more of a warning and less motivating. That’s why today I would like to take up the positive side. The question is:

So how are you supposed to get to know each other? What’s okay? What’s not okay?

As a reminder: The trend toward “situationship” thrives on being noncommittal and allowing emotional closeness—or even intimacy—without taking responsibility and without thinking about a lasting connection.

For young Christians, that cannot be an option. “We’ll just see how things go and what happens” is not a solution. But the alternative to that is not fear of relationships.

No: The Bible does not know romantic experiments—possibly with physical closeness—that do not have the goal of leading into a possible marriage.

Yes: The Bible, of course, knows the path of “getting to know each other.” One example is how the marriage between Boaz and Ruth is initiated (Ruth 2–4). Young Christians may and should—yes, they must—get to know each other. How else is a real relationship in marriage ever supposed to develop?

The only question is: How—in a way that honors God?

The Goal Determines the Path

The path is not the goal; it leads to the goal. The Bible knows clear relationship statuses: You are either

• single (1 Corinthians 7:8),
• engaged (Deuteronomy 22:23),
• married (Hebrews 13:4)
• and in the course of life, perhaps also widowed.

What the Bible does not know is a noncommittal in-between zone—a time of emotional closeness without a goal, a “sort-of-being-together” without a clear direction. The Bible does not give a single example of lasting approaches between boys and girls that deliberately remain open and have no perspective of marriage. So please stop doing that.

Getting to Know Each Other Is Necessary

There will only be rare cases where a spouse, so to speak, “falls from heaven.” At any rate, that is not the rule—even if some might wish it were. As a rule, you do have to search and find. And therefore you may—and must—get to know each other. Marriage has a high value in God’s eyes. The decision is irreversible. Marriage is a unity (one flesh)—a life, love, and service partnership that includes the whole person (spirit, soul, and body) (Genesis 2:24). So a lot has to “fit.”

Biblical getting-to-know-you happens with perspective. Not according to the motto, “Let’s see what comes of it,” but: “Could I imagine marrying this person one day—if God wills?” The goal is not a nice experience, butterflies in your stomach, or self-fulfillment—but the perspective of marriage.

Yet without immediately committing yourself fully and finally. The Bible speaks of a spouse being “found” (Proverbs 18:22; Proverbs 31:10). You search, and you find. That requires time and calm. But the goal is clear—it is about finding a spouse, or else recognizing that he/she is not.

Even if it is God who brings two people together (He brought Eve to Adam), it remains our responsibility to make the right decision. Just as you don’t buy a “pig in a poke,” you can’t simply stumble into an engagement—and certainly not into marriage. The priority is not that the other person looks great. You should think it through carefully beforehand and, above all, pray about it earnestly.

Three Guardrails

It is completely biblically right for young people to get to know each other. But the Bible sets clear guardrails. I’ll name the three most important:

• Guardrail 1: It’s about a man and a woman (Genesis 2:24). Being young is something wonderful, but initiating a marriage requires a certain maturity. So don’t start too early.
• Guardrail 2: A path toward marriage can only take place between two believing people. Everything else is an absolute “no-go.” You must absolutely keep your hands off that (Deuteronomy 7:3.4; 2 Corinthians 6:14).
• Guardrail 3: Two people who want to marry must “fit” together. God gave Adam a wife who was “suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). This applies concerning questions like character and upbringing, but above all spiritually, concerning goals and convictions.