A relationship can only develop if you get to know each other. You can only get to know each other if you meet, talk with each other, or do something together. That’s how you get to know each other and can observe the other person’s character and way of life and form an impression. In the Bible, too, people meet in public spaces.

Therefore, it is not only completely okay, but even desirable and good, when young people are together, as unstrained as possible. You may—and should—get to know each other. You should know how the other person “works”—and how he/she lives with the Lord. But the way you interact matters. Publicness and transparency even protect you. An unnecessary “secrecy mode” can be counterproductive.

I’ll give you two pieces of advice to take with you:

• Avoid unnecessarily spending a lot of time alone with one particular person of the opposite sex before you have serious intentions. The danger that more develops than you intended is certainly real. Young men in particular can quickly be careless here—and “not keep their hands to themselves”—and trigger feelings in the young woman that they never wanted to trigger. The reverse, however, is also possible.
• Be careful what you say to each other—and write. You don’t have to weigh every word on a gold scale, but please be careful with the sentence “I love you”—or corresponding emojis or GIFs. I’m saying this especially to the guys: Never tell a girl “I love you” if you don’t have the intention to marry. But also never marry a woman you do not love.

When It Suddenly “Clicks”

Many good contacts from youth shape life, without ever leading into marriage. But it can be different too. Suddenly it “clicks”—

And you feel affection for the other person. What then? I don’t want to speak at length here about the topic of “choosing a partner,” but only give a few brief impulses (and please don’t understand these as a kind of “checklist”—because there isn’t one).

If, as a young man, you suddenly feel affection for a young woman—or as a young woman for a young man—then first examine the two basic prerequisites: first, maturity (which, by the way, cannot be determined only by age), and second, whether he/she is walking a clear path with the Lord.

If that is the case, I advise you first of all to keep some distance and take time for prayer. It may be that outward appearance plays a dominant role (I understand that very well), but precisely then, you must examine things twice as carefully. Looks and appearance are not unimportant, but the “inner values” are significantly more important. Take the time to really “sort out” your feelings. In addition, I advise you to talk with your parents (or—if that isn’t possible—with a mature believer whom you know well).

Getting to Know Each Other Is Not a Game—But a Test

The New Testament repeatedly urges us to test things as to whether they correspond to the will of the Lord (please read Romans 12:2; Ephesians 5:10; Philippians 1:10). Getting to know each other with the goal of possibly moving toward marriage means testing: character, spiritual life, how someone treats parents and siblings, willingness to devote oneself, and so on. Because what matters is not whether you “feel comfortable.” Feelings are something wonderful (you shouldn’t marry without them), but they are not a solid foundation for marriage.

“Testing before the Lord” has two sides:

• First, you will do that for yourself. You need time for that. Take that time. Talk with someone you can trust (preferably your parents).
• But then you also want to get to know him/her better. That is completely okay. The only question is: “How”?

My warning on the topic of “situationship” remains. But the alternative to it is not hostility toward relationships. It’s about a clear, honest, pure, and goal-oriented approach. It is not old-fashioned if, at this point, you open up to each other to some extent and seriously test whether God wants to lead you into marriage. That protects you from possible wounds that can be avoided.