The topic is “hot” – at the latest with the onset of puberty. An adolescent teenager sits tightly embraced with an equally young girl and whispers in her ear: “I love you.” What does he mean by that? Probably (at least in many cases) something completely different from what the girl understands.
- He says: “I love you”. He – maybe even without realizing it – means: “I love me, and I need you for that”!
- She hears: “I love you”. She thinks: “He only wants me!” But unfortunately, she is wrong!
In marriage, love and sexual intimacy belong together. They are very sensitive gifts from God. We can either use them as our Creator intended, or we can abuse and destroy them. So here are a few points to think about:
1. Are love and sexuality a bad thing?
Of course not. God’s gifts are always good. “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights” (James 1:17). It depends on how we handle it. If I use an electrical appliance without reading the operating instructions and warnings, I shouldn’t be surprised if the appliance blows up in my face the first time I use it. Those who misuse their God-given sexual urge will suffer a similar fate. The damage can be great. If we don’t manage to control our sexual desires when we are young, it can have lifelong consequences. If, on the other hand, we use our sexuality in the spirit of our Creator, it is a great blessing.
2. Why did God give us sexual desires in the first place?
There are two answers to this question.
- Answer 1: God wants us humans to procreate. His command to us humans is: “Be fruitful and multiply” (Gen 1:22, 28; 9:1, 7).
- Answer 2: God wants a married couple who are united in love to enjoy the practice of sexual intimacy (Gen 2:24). “Let your fountain (i.e., your wife) be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth… Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love” (Prov. 5:18, 19). We learn how relaxed the Bible is about the subject.
3. Is the sexual feelings of men and women the same?
No. Young people must understand this at an early age. A man “works” differently than a woman and vice versa. That is why the young girl understands the young man’s statement “I love you” differently than he means it. God has installed different “software” in men than in women. This includes sexuality.
- Sexual desire in young men is awakened by itself. It’s often different for women.
- Male sexuality is strongly influenced visually. This is also usually different for girls.
- Male sexual urge is like a lamp that can be switched on and off. The lamp is “on” from one second to the next and just as suddenly “off” again. Women react more like an iron. It takes a while to reach operating temperature and it takes a while to cool down again.
It’s important to know this so that you don’t make any mistakes.
4. What does this mean in concrete terms?
The question is justified.
- For you boys, it means that you must be careful not to arouse a young girl’s sexual desire at an early age. You should leave that to her future husband. He alone has the right to do this. Never say “I love you” to a young girl if you don’t want to marry her. It is unfair to do so. A text from the Bible can help: “Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases!” (Song 2:7; 3:5; 8:4).
- For you girls, this specifically means that you should not “hit on” a boy. The way you dress, the way you touch a boy, and the words you say to him should be such that your sexual fantasy is not unnecessarily aroused. It’s playing with fire. It can easily backfire.
To avoid any misunderstanding, A relaxed approach to the opposite sex is completely normal and fine. Just please don’t get too close – especially if you’re alone.
5. Are love and sexuality gifts that we can use for our pleasure?
The answer is clearly no! If we think back to question two, this becomes immediately clear. The exercise of sexual desires only belongs in marriage. Not before! Any selfish use of these desires is an abuse of sexuality. This applies to premarital sex as well as masturbation. Living out your sexual desires should be an expression of love in marriage. Its primary purpose is to give pleasure to the spouse and not to myself. Paul writes that the married man is concerned about pleasing his (married) wife (1 Cor 7:33) – and not himself.
6. Do love and sexuality really only belong in marriage?
Yes, definitely! That’s what the Bible says. “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor” (1 Thes 4:3-4). Fornication is the fulfillment of your sexual desires practiced outside of marriage and, therefore, also before marriage. It is even clearer in 1 Corinthians 7:2: “Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.” What is meant here? So that no one has illicit sexual intercourse, he should marry [1]. Conversely, anyone who is not married should not activate their sexual desires. How God thinks about “fornication” is made very clear in 1 Corinthians 6:12-20. Please read the text at your leisure. It is important and actually explains itself.
7. Is God then not a spoilsport?
No, He is not. God is not a “killjoy,” as we sometimes hear. The opposite is the case. He knows how sensitive we humans are. He knows that wrongly practiced sexual fulfillment only harms. That is why He has given us the “protective fence” of marriage. Within this “protective fence,” we can live out love and sexual desires. Outside of it, we will only hurt and harm ourselves. “Can a man take fire to his bosom,
And his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent” (Proverbs 6:27-29). So, stay away from sexual pleasure before you are married.
8. Why do love and sexuality belong together?
God has arranged it that way. He wants man and woman in marriage to first be a unit of love in spirit and soul. Only when this is the case is this unity crowned by physical unity. It is, so to speak, the “dot on the i” or – as they say in another language: “the cherry on the cake.” That is why marriage mustn’t be all about sexual pleasure. This is a small part of marriage. Love is infinitely more than coming together sexually. The mental/spiritual and emotional component is the essential one. Sexual pleasure is part of it, but it is not the essence of a good marriage. It is much more than that.
9. And what if I can no longer resist?
That’s not the problem. You very well can. The problem is that you don’t want to. Sexual pleasure is not a basic need like eating and drinking. If you don’t eat and drink in the long term, you die. This is guaranteed not to happen if someone doesn’t live out their sexual desires. The devil might tell us that. But it’s not true.
10. Can I be protected?
Yes, you can. Here are a few specific tips:
- Make a firm decision in your heart to do what the Bible says (Dan 1:8).
- Guard your thoughts (2 Cor 10:3). They are often our actions of tomorrow.
- Choose friendships and contacts carefully. Bad company is always a high risk (1 Cor 15:33). Stick with those who want to follow the Lord (2 Tim 2:22).
- Avoid places where your sexual desires are unnecessarily stimulated (read Proverbs 7).
- Make a covenant with your eyes (Job 31:1). This is especially important for young men.
- Have courage to flee (1 Cor. 6:18). Joseph’s only chance of escaping danger was his determined flight.
Above all, focus on the positive – on your Lord!
- “But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts” (Rom 13:14).
- “How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word” (Ps 119:9).
Footnote:
[1] It is clear that this is not the only reason why we marry, but it is nevertheless one of the reasons.
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