Question: You hear the thought more and more often among Christians: “We are engaged, we want to get married one day. We’ve realized that the Lord has brought us together – why should we wait?” Is this true?
Answer: Wait until marriage? That’s completely “out” today. But not with God. In the Bible, sexual relationships are clearly placed in the realm of marriage. At this point, we would like to say one thing up front: God’s instructions in His Word are not meant to “forbid us something beautiful,” but on the contrary. Following them leads to the joy that God intended with the sexual life of man and woman in marriage. However, disregarding the divine principles leaves behind emotional and possibly also physical wounds.
- Because God’s word says so
The Bible also recognizes the state of betrothal. In Israel, the state of betrothal was obviously of greater legal binding force than in our Western societies. For example, betrothed couples were referred to as husband and wife (see Joseph and Mary in Mt. 1:18.19). All the more remarkable is the fact that the passages that speak of this clearly testify that the betrothed was a “virgin” or that the partners had not yet had intercourse. Here are a few examples:
“And what man is there who is betrothed to a woman and has not married her? Let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the battle and another man marry her.” (Deut 20:7).
“Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: After His mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph before they came together, she was found with Child of the Holy Spirit.” (Mt 1:18).
“There are three that are too wonderful for me, yes, four which I do not understand: … and the way of a man with a virgin” (Prov 30:18, 19).
“Then Jacob said to Laban, ‘Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go into her.’” (Gen 29:21).
“Lament like a virgin girded with sackcloth for the husband of her youth” (Joel 1:8 – Here, a betrothed woman mourns the death of her fiancé. He is already called her “husband,” but she is still a virgin).
“Can a virgin forget her ornaments, or a bride her attire?” (Jer. 2:32 – The bride is still a virgin on the day of the wedding. The importance of this fact under the law is also made clear in Deut 22:15-17).
The fact that Solomon describes his bride in Song of Songs 4:12 as “a closed garden” and “a sealed spring” also points in the same direction. Also, (sexual) love was not to be awakened until the appropriate time had come (1:7; 3:5; 8:4).
A particularly sublime passage that speaks of the relationship between Christ and the congregation, of which marriage between a man and a woman is an image, is no less clear: “For I am jealous for you with godly jealousy. For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ” (2 Cor 11:2).
Paul’s words apply to those who have sinned in this regard in the time before conversion: “But you are washed away, but you are sanctified” (1 Cor. 6:11). So your past is no obstacle to starting a marriage in the Lord now. The same principle applies to all those who lived in sin after their conversion and have now sincerely confessed this to God. However, the possibility of forgiveness must not lead to carelessness for those who are not yet or already engaged. Keeping oneself pure until the wedding day is a high privilege!
In Hebrew, the word “recognize” is used for the physical union in marriage. “And the man knew Eve, his wife” (Gen. 4:1). During the engagement period, we can begin to get to know each other spiritually and emotionally, to “recognize” the faith and soul life of our partner. Real “recognition” on a physical level, which goes beyond hugging, kissing, and “holding hands,” is what God intended for marriage. It requires the protective space of a binding marriage. This commitment is only given when both partners publicly (in our countries – still – in front of the registrar) declare their entry into the “state” of marriage. An engagement, on the other hand, is intended to be a lifelong marriage but can still be dissolved (for a variety of reasons that we do not discuss here). This means that an engaged couple is not truly or definitively united before God and man.
2. Because it is also the path to real, lasting joy
The claim that the young person is “deprived” of something while waiting until marriage, that something is missing, is a lie of the devil. God, the Creator, knows without a doubt what is best for His creatures. Believing husbands and wives will joyfully affirm that God’s way for husband and wife is the way to a fulfilling married life.
The love between husband and wife, according to God’s thoughts, is more than a feeling of being in love. Our feelings can be very fickle. True love, on the other hand, has a depth that ensures stability and requires faithfulness. In some languages, the words “faithfulness” and “marrying” come from the same linguistic root. The same goes for “faith” and “vow.” We vow (engagement, marriage vows) to be faithful to each other as husband and wife because we know that God has brought us together. This “vow of fidelity” is valid as long as the partner lives. The complete unity of man and woman, also in the sexual sphere, requires the protection of the commitment of marriage.
Conclusion: God has given this gift for this purpose. We may enjoy it in the area He has designated for it. Here alone, it is a pleasure without remorse. Every “anticipation” and every “misappropriation” of God’s good gift is a sin in the eyes of God and leads to deep wounds.
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