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Key to a Happy Marriage – Love and Submission

Published since 16. Jun. 2025
Bible passages:
Ephesians 5:22,25,33; Colossians 3:18,19; 1 Peter 3:1

Ephesians 5:25: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”

Ephesians 5:33: "Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself.”

Colossians 3:19: "Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter toward them.”

Ephesians 5:22: "Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.”

Colossians 3:18: "Wives, submit to your own husbands as it is fitting in the Lord.”

1 Peter 3:1: "Wives, be submissive to your own husbands.”

The Bible talks about marriage in many places. God gives us important guidelines for our benefit. On the one hand, God teaches us through examples (positive and negative). On the other hand, He does so through specific instructions.

A repeated instruction

When you read the New Testament, you will notice that God gives a specific instruction to both husbands and wives that He repeats three times. Three times husbands are told to love their wives (Col. 3:19; Eph. 5:25, 33). In three places, wives are directly told to submit to their husbands (Col. 3:18; Eph. 5:22; 1 Peter 3:1). These are two special keys to a happy marriage that God gives us. The wise God meets the basic needs of both women and men. A wife has a special need to be loved by her husband. That is why God emphatically tells us men to do just that. A husband, on the other hand, has a special desire to be respected by his wife.

Wives want love, men want respect. That is why God emphatically tells women to do just that.

Created differently

We live in a time of increasing attempts to "abolish" the differences between the sexes. It is claimed that, apart from purely biological characteristics, there are really no specific differences between men and women. Only the differences that can be observed are mainly due to differences in upbringing and environment. But this is a total misconception. The differences between men and women were given to us by our Creator. He wanted it that way. He created us male and female. With male and female characteristics (cf. Gen. 1:27; 5:2). Man was created from dust, and woman from the rib of man. This difference in nature, however, does not imply a difference in value. Man and woman are completely equal before God. But they are not the same. A distinction must be made between likeness and equality.

Equality does not mean to be the same. First, the difference in nature leads to a difference in the roles of men and women. This difference in roles concerns life in society, in general, and in marriage, particularly. Second, the difference in nature gives rise to the different needs mentioned above. The woman, made from the rib of a man (that is, close to his heart), wants to be loved by her husband [1]. The man, made from the dust of the earth before the woman, wants to be respected by his wife.

  1. "Husbands, love your wives"

Ephesians 5:25: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”

Ephesians 5:33: "Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself.”

Colossians 3:19: "Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter toward them.”

 

The Commandment to Love

The call to love applies to all of God's children. Peter writes: "... love one another fervently with a pure heart" (1 Peter 1:22). The Lord Jesus gave us this "commandment to love. John speaks of this love among God's children eight times in his writings (John 13:34; 15:12, 17; 1 John 3:11, 23; 4:7, 12; 2 John 5). As far as marriage is concerned, however, this admonition applies to us husbands [2].

Loving someone means giving them what is necessary and good for them. In doing so, the lover is consciously willing to give up his own advantages. This becomes especially clear when we think of the love of God and of the Lord Jesus for us. God gave His Son out of love (John 3:16). The Lord Jesus gave His life for us out of love (Gal 2:20). Love in marriage means that we husbands recognize the needs of our wives and are willing to meet them. This explicitly includes giving up our own interests.

The word "love" translated in all three verses quoted above stands in many places for the love of God. It is more than sympathy and affection; it includes loving even when the object of love does not behave lovably. It is a love that is expressed less in words than in deeds. John writes, "Let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth" (1 John 3:18). This does not mean that we husbands should not tell our wives that we love them. On the contrary, most women will be glad to hear us say it. However, it must not be limited to words. A declaration of love without corresponding actions is not worth the spoken word.

Three different perspectives

We can look at the command to "love your wives" from three different perspectives:

  • Love your wives: We learn what this means best when we realize what the opposite of it is. It is not that we hate our wives (which I hope no Christian husband does), but that we are indifferent to our wives. Loving your wife means showing genuine interest in her. It means sharing all areas of life with her and exchanging opinions and feelings. Loving your wife means giving her interest and time.
  • Love your wives: The emphasis here is that we do not love other things or other people more than our spouse. When it comes to relationships on this earth, there is no closer relationship than with your spouse. We men are often in danger of having other things that we love more. It could be our job, our hobbies, our friends, or other things. The number one priority in the life of a married man on this earth must be and remain his wife. Unfortunately, some men know their car or their PC better than their own wives.
  • Love your wives: God wants to prevent the danger of a married man becoming too interested in other women. It doesn't always have to be a physical interest, but the warning also includes a mental/spiritual or emotional relationship with another woman. This does not mean that we cannot talk to other women, but that we must be careful not to build up a parallel relationship that will cause lasting damage to our marital relationship and ultimately destroy it.

The Divine Standard

Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. This is the standard of a husband's love for his wife: " Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her" (Eph. 5:25). It is clear that we will never come close to this standard. Yet God cannot give us any other standard. Loving one's wife means a willingness to give up and has to do with practiced devotion.

  1. "Wives, be subject to your own husbands"

 

Ephesians 5:22: "Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.”

Colossians 3:18: "Wives, submit to your own husbands as it is fitting in the Lord.”

1 Peter 3:1: "Wives, be submissive to your own husbands.”

The Commandment of Submission

This command, like the command to love, applies generally to all God's children. Paul writes that we should be "subject to one another" "in the fear of Christ" (Eph. 5:21). This command also applies specifically to women. In 1 Timothy 2:11 we read: "Let a woman learn in silence with all submission" (cf. 1 Cor. 14:34). The reason for this is that the husband is the head of the wife (1 Cor. 11:3). Third, the command to submit to one's own husband applies specifically to married women.

To submit means to place oneself under something or to be subject to something. God has given a man a different position than a woman, and this should be seen and recognized in a woman's behavior. In 1 Corinthians 11:3, Paul says, " But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God" (cf. Eph. 5:23). God has ordained it that way. Submission has a negative connotation in our modern societies. However, far from being a negative quality, submission shows acceptance of God's goodwill [3].

The submission of a wife to her husband seems to be completely out of fashion today. It is taught and practiced differently in the world around us. Yet God's standards of value do not change. The call to submission remains the same. Submission does not mean that a man has the right to lord it over his wife. As the "head," he does not rule, but he bears responsibility and provides leadership and direction. A Christian wife should gratefully acknowledge this in her behavior and not rebel against it.

There is a standard for the submission of the wife. Paul writes: "Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything" (Eph. 5:24). In God's mind, the earthly and temporal union in marriage reveals something of the heavenly and eternal union between Christ and His Church. Therefore, we husbands are to love our wives "as Christ loved the church.” Therefore, wives are to be subject to their husbands "as the church is subject to Christ.

To emphasize this, Paul tells the Ephesians that women should submit "as in the Lord.” He tells the Colossians that it is proper "in the Lord.” A woman who obeys this command is obeying her Lord in heaven. She is doing what He expects her to do. A wife who realizes this will find it much easier to submit to her husband on this earth and recognize the position God has given him.

On the other hand, God seems to want to prevent the danger of abuse of the husband's position. "In the Lord" is also a limit given to the woman. If a husband demands something from his wife that is expressly against biblical instructions, submission to the husband has its limit.

Dangerous role reversal

It is dangerous when men and women change roles. In modern, Western societies, this has become the “norm”. In many areas of daily life, women have long since assumed the role of men. This is also true in the married life of men and women. But the example of the first marriage in the Bible already shows how disastrous such a role reversal is for marriage. When the woman takes the lead, things will not go well. When Adam and Eve were deceived by the serpent, Eve took the lead and Adam followed.

Reversing roles has dangerous consequences. The result is well known. Christian husbands should have the courage to be "real men”. Christian wives should have the courage to be "real women”. God desires committed husbands. He also desires committed wives (cf. the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31). He does not want "jumping jacks" or domineering wives, but men and women who demonstrate in their lives that the role God has given us in His wisdom is for our benefit and blessing.

A Divine Invitation

It is good that both the invitation to the husband and the invitation to the wife come from God. Nowhere in the Bible is the wife asked to demand the love of her husband. At no point is the husband admonished to ask his wife to submit to him. Fathers are to keep their children in subjection (1 Tim. 3:4), but not their own wives. It must come from the heart. We men are told to love our wives. If we do, it will be easy for our wives to submit. Wives are told to submit. A wife who does that makes it easy for her husband to love her. Both the husband and the wife have their own responsibilities. If each fulfills his own responsibility and "sweeps his own house," the problems will be solved.

Both husband and wife should have their own responsibilities in mind. In practice, a good marriage will look like this: The spouses will discuss all problems and questions that arise and try to find solutions together. The husband will love his wife, show consideration for her, and carefully consider her advice. He will also not interfere unnecessarily in matters that are the wife's responsibility (e.g., running the household). However, the wife will neither pressure her husband to get her way nor rebel against him, but accept his decision. Such a "hand-in-hand" marriage brings happiness and blessings.

“If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them.” John 13:17

Conclusion

God has given us marriage for the happiness and blessing of ourselves and others. In His Word, He gives us instructions on how marriage can be a delight and a blessing. It is up to us to follow these good guidelines. The husband's love for his wife and the wife's submission to her husband are two keys that have been given to us. Let us encourage each other to use them every day.

 

 

______________________

Footnotes:

[1] It has been rightly pointed out that Eve was not created from Adam's feet or head. The husband has no right to "trample" his wife, while the wife has no right to rule over her husband.

[2] Of course, the wife's love for her husband is also important and is mentioned (see Titus 2:4).

[3] In Luke 2:51 this very word is used to show us how the Lord Jesus was submissive. His submission shows something of His moral glory as a perfect Man. This makes it perfectly clear that there is nothing "inferior" in the expression.

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