Maybe this sounds familiar: You’re constantly texting, meeting up regularly, sharing thoughts and worries, having fun together and sometimes physical closeness too. Other people ask you: “Are you together? Are you engaged?” You answer somewhat evasively: “Well, not really.” Or: “We’ll see.”

Leon and Emma text daily, meet up regularly, and spend a lot of time together. They also exchange affection, though without physical intimacy. Emma thinks: “Actually, we belong together and are a couple.” Leon, on the other hand, says: “I don’t want to commit yet.”

You may be familiar with this kind of relationship—either from your own experience or among friends. This has been around for a long time. But only recently has there been a fancy—and of course English—loanword for it. It’s called a “situationship.” But I’m probably not telling you anything new with that.

What it’s about

“Situationship” is a combination of “situation” and “relationship.” It’s used on social media like TikTok or dating apps. In German-speaking countries, the word has only existed for a few years, but it is spreading quickly.

A situationship describes a casual relationship between two people that is not clearly defined. It is a relationship that lies somewhere between an affair, a friendship, and a steady engagement. You have romantic closeness (in the world often also sex) and spend time together, but there are no clear agreements and, above all, no commitment. You “are together” and yet not “together.” Typical of such a state is the uncertainty: you don’t know exactly what you are to each other, and there are no shared plans for the future and no firm agreements.

The example of Leon and Emma shows this: He enjoys the closeness without responsibility. She invests hope without security. Unfortunately, a typical imbalance arises here. Love is being played with without wanting to commit. Emma wants to know where all this is going. Leon is honest enough to say that he does not want to give her that perspective (yet).

Is that an attractive solution? For many, it actually seems to be. You want to have fun together, but you’re afraid of a committed bond or of getting hurt. You want, in spite of everything, to remain free and realize yourself. Or you’re simply uncertain and wonder whether you are even ready for a serious relationship that has marriage as its goal. But closeness without responsibility doesn’t work. It is an emotional—and at the same time lazy—compromise that ends in a dead end.

In the end, Emma and Leon do exactly the right thing. They decide to take some distance from each other. Even if it hurts for the moment. Such a decision is better.

What does the Bible say?

The Bible does not know such an unclear form of relationship between a boy and a girl at all. It speaks of singles, of engaged people, and of married people. Everything in between—even close friendships—between unmarried people is a gray area—and therefore not harmless.

So that no one misunderstands me: there is nothing wrong with boys and girls interacting with each other in an unforced way and getting to know each other. But too much closeness without clear agreements, responsibility, or a future perspective is not in the mind of our God. Here it is important to draw the boundaries correctly. Emotional closeness belongs in the time of engagement, and intimacy in marriage. Closeness without clarity and feelings without commitment are simply dangerous and therefore a “no-go.”

Of course you won’t find the term “situationship” in the Bible. But what you most certainly will find are clear principles for interpersonal relationships—and especially where feelings, bodies, and responsibility play a role.

Think about the following points:

• Clarity instead of lack of clarity:
  • The Lord Jesus says: “But make sure your statement is, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’; anything beyond these is of evil origin” (Matthew 5:37). Unclear relationships like situationships are neither honest nor truthful. They resemble a “yes and no.” They create uncertainty and often end in hurt. One hopes, the other keeps all options open. The Bible does not demand that every encounter must immediately lead to marriage (after all, you may and must get to know each other). But it calls us to be honest and truthful about what is—and what is not. Anyone who says, “I don’t want anything serious,” but continues to allow closeness, sends contradictory signals that ultimately hurt hearts.
• Responsibility instead of irresponsibility:
  • The Bible says that we should live righteously (1 Timothy 6:11) and that love does not seek its own benefit (1 Corinthians 13:5). A relationship in which emotions play an essential role while at the same time you “keep all options open” quickly becomes, first, unjust, and second, an unfair game with love. I especially want to give boys an important rule of thumb: “Never say to a girl, ‘I love you,’ if you don’t want to marry her” (but also never marry a woman you don’t love). Closeness without responsibility is not love, but a high risk. Whoever shares feelings takes responsibility—otherwise he (she) should please stop. A situationship often works according to the principle that each person gets closeness, affirmation, and attention for themselves—but without asking what the other gets out of it.
• Protection instead of lack of protection:
  • The wise Solomon says: “Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life” (Proverbs 4:23). The heart is not a playground. Situationships generally create hope without security; the heart remains unprotected and the danger of hurt is great. In God’s thoughts, physical intimacy is connected with faithfulness and commitment, not with non-commitment and vagueness.
• Purity instead of impurity:
  • God has ordained it so that physical closeness, and especially sexual intercourse, need a safe protected space. In God’s thoughts, that is marriage, and only marriage (1 Corinthians 7:2). Our body is a temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19), over which we cannot dispose freely. Physical intimacy without commitment (the covenant of marriage) separates what, for God, necessarily belongs together. Now it may be that this is clear to you. But please consider that physical closeness is often only the first step of a development that, in the end, you can hardly steer yourself. Therefore: resist the beginnings and keep yourselves pure (Psalms 119:9).

Never say to a woman: “I love you,” if you don’t want to marry her.

Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed undefiled; for the sexually immoral and adulterers God will judge.

Hebrews 13:4

Conclusion

From a biblical perspective, a situationship for a Christian is not only problematic, but a no-go. Lack of clarity instead of truth, closeness without responsibility, and heart connections without the intention of wanting to marry do not fit a Christian. Our Lord invites us to be honest, clear, and truthful and to commit ourselves to a responsible love that has a goal and is ultimately lived out in marriage. Relationships between boys and girls are not forbidden, but should be fair, honest, and responsible. Love is not a game that you can restart at will. As a boy, you don’t play with a girl’s feelings, and as a girl, you don’t play with a boy’s feelings.

By the way, the Bible is amazingly realistic and clear when it comes to relationships. God knows exactly that people seek and need closeness—and that closeness changes. The principle is already implemented in the creation order: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). This “bonding” to one another is more than a physical process. It is “one flesh,” i.e., a lifelong unity in spirit, soul, and body. Anyone who lives out closeness with the opposite sex binds his heart, whether he wants to or not.

Let me, at the end, express three warnings—not as a “moralizer” or a “vibe-killer,” but as someone who has seen enough relationship stories that went completely wrong:

1. Don’t play with closeness if you don’t want to take responsibility.
2. Avoid a relationship that has no name.
3. Do not sacrifice either your own heart or someone else’s on the “altar of non-commitment.”

“Do two people walk together unless they have agreed to meet?”

Amos 3:3

God does not want to see you in an emotional gray area, but that you are true, honest, and clear—and take the other person seriously. You—and the other—are too valuable to “just see” or “just test.” A situationship is not a solution. The faithful Creator knows your desires and will give you strength to draw the right boundaries in contacts and to wait to see how He will lead and bless you.