As a committed Christian, you don’t want to make a mistake, especially when it comes to the important question of choosing a spouse. There can be bad consequences if you treat the choice of a spouse lightly. This is demonstrated to us every day in the world. Love in marriage grows cold, and arguments arise and increase. The result is often divorce. Unfortunately, this also happens among Christians. This is why the question of choosing a marriage partner is topical and important.
As children of God, we have good prerequisites for every decision. We have the Word of God, which also presents us with God’s “concept” for marriage. We have the Holy Spirit who lives in us and wants to guide us. We have a God who is our Father. He wants the best for us, be it to remain single (that is also an option!) or to marry, but only “in the Lord” (1 Cor 7:39b). And – last but not least – we can present everything to Him in prayer and ask for His guidance and direction.
Just a natural decision?
Is there actually an alternative to a biblical and, therefore, spiritual decision? If you really want to be happy with your spouse for the rest of your life, as God wants you to be, there is no alternative. What criteria could be used to choose a spouse? Let’s examine three natural criteria and look at the arguments in favor of these criteria.
- Appearance: “Appearance plays an important role. A beautiful woman or a good-looking man makes an impression. You can be seen with that.”
Beauty is difficult to grasp because it is not universally valid but is judged differently on a personal level. But is beauty the only criterion? Is it permanent? External beauty wears off; at some point, for example, the first gray hairs appear. Looks alone cannot be the decisive factor for lasting marital happiness. - Being in love: “Love decides which spouse suits me in the long term. When I’m in love, everything is decided. And if they’re both in love, then even more so.”
Is that really the case? Being in love is a momentary feeling that can arise from certain stimuli and opportunities. That may sound harsh, but it’s true. Infatuation can fade quickly. In the same way, you can fall in love with someone who is definitely not meant to be your spouse, for example, because they are a non-believer. Infatuation alone cannot be the relevant criterion. - Interests: “If our interests are the same, then it’s a good match. We’re both interested in good food, nice home furnishings, traveling, etc. That connects us and will lead to happiness. That connects us and will lead to happiness.”
The same interests can sometimes become building blocks for a shared life path because you feel the same way about things. However, they are not automatically a basis for a happy relationship. Interests can change; children often come along in everyday married life, leaving little time for common interests. You should, therefore, not rely too heavily on these building blocks without completely ignoring them. However, they are certainly not sufficient as a basis for a lifelong relationship.
Consequences of a purely natural decision
We have seen that natural criteria alone are not sustainable. They change. They depend on time and circumstances, sometimes also on feelings and situations. They cannot be a definitive yardstick for a relationship that is to last until the end of life, and that must have a firm foundation even for storms in the relationship. It cannot be said that they should not play a role at all, but they must not take the highest priority and must be subordinated to the spiritual criteria.
Carnal – spiritual
It should be added that the Bible distinguishes between carnal and spiritual (read Romans 8:1-14 or Galatians 5:16-25). With carnal decisions, it’s all about what I get out of it. Even though you may naturally think of your happiness in marriage, pure selfishness in choosing a spouse can have devastating consequences. In marriage, it completely undermines genuine love. Genuine love seeks the good of the other – and becomes happy itself in the process.
What distinguishes the spiritual choice of a spouse from the natural one?
First and foremost is the question of what the Lord wants. God’s Word says that the Holy Spirit dwells in every believer. He wants to guide him for the glory of God. I must recognize this guidance from God and learn it for myself. How can I experience guidance from God in marriage if I have not already learned this as a single person? By the way, this is exactly what I express when I talk about my “Lord” Jesus: He is in charge, not me.
Romans 8:6 warns us clearly: “The mind of the flesh is death, but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace.” Here, we learn what the ultimate consequence of our actions will be, either death or life. 1 Corinthians 7:39 speaks of marrying “in the Lord“. How can the Lord guide me and bless me if I arrange my marriage according to my criteria without considering God’s will?
What does the spiritual choice actually look like?
Only true Christians: The Bible gives us some guidance. If we heed them, God will bless them. – A believer can never marry an unbeliever, for “what fellowship has light with darkness?” (2 Cor 6:14).
Holistic attractiveness: In Genesis 2:24, we read that “a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” We are made up of spirit, soul, and body, and these three areas are addressed in the verse quoted. When two people enter into the most intimate union that exists on earth, they should find each other attractive on a spiritual, mental, and physical level, fit together, and harmonize with each other.
Authority of the Lord: When we consider what it means to marry “in the Lord” (1 Cor 7:39), we must ask ourselves whether the Lord can enter into the marriage with all His rights or whether He would perhaps fall short in some area in this particular union. With Isaac and Rebekah in Genesis 24:13, the first contact occurs at the spring of water, a picture of the Word of God. Where do you meet your potential partner? On vacation, on the Internet, or better when thinking about God’s word together?
Compass God’s Word: I would be delighted if you would pick up the Bible yourself, motivated by this question. Look for what it says about a man “after God’s own heart” or about a spiritual woman. Then, you will discover passages such as Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5 or 1 Peter 3, and others and find a lot of clues that will help you to get a spiritual answer to this question.
Prayer: Then you should cultivate prayer intensively. Unfortunately, the power of prayer is sometimes hugely underestimated. James 5:16: “The fervent (or persistent, intense) prayer of a righteous man avails much.” God wants us to plead, to wrestle for clarity and peace in prayer.
Inner peace: Then He will answer, for we have this promise: “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6, 7). And: “Let the peace of Christ rule (or decide) in your hearts” (Col 3:15). The result will be peace in the heart and a yes to the ways of God. This can sometimes take some time because God also tests our waiting and our endurance. Until this peace is there, you should do nothing but continue to pray. But then this peace will come at some point. Anyone who has experienced it can only report it with gratitude.
This peace is also so valuable because it usually doesn’t go away. There is the certainty that God gives clarity to his will. We can then move on permanently and detached from momentary emotional fluctuations because He goes with us.
No rush for a lifelong decision
You cannot skip these steps or take a shortcut. Above all, they should not be forgotten or pushed to the side due to infatuation because love is a conscious decision, a fundamental yes to your spouse. This includes the unconditional acceptance of the other and the willingness to encourage and support the other. There is no room for one’s own “I”. Love is getting to know the true needs of the other person and seeking to satisfy them.
Natural criteria that are attractive to us may play a role if the spiritual criteria are considered first. We may fall in love or feel attracted to a person. But this must not push the spiritual choice of partner in prayer and waiting on the Lord to the side. However, this must not lead to spiritualizing everything in this matter. Marriage itself is and remains a natural decision. Fear of a purely natural decision can lead one to think that everything must be considered solely in spiritual terms. This extreme is also unhealthy. Without natural affection, feelings, and practical togetherness, there is a danger of forgetting that, in the end, it is about living together in the natural realm.
To summarize
You may learn to recognize God’s will through his word, the guideline for your life, in prayer. Don’t push your feelings to the side, but never allow them to play with you. In everything, you must give God the lead and subordinate your feelings to your will (even more to God’s will). Then, the love will be real and lasting, and God will make it clear to you which spouse you may marry in the Lord. Trust HIM!
“And as many as walk according to this rule, peace and mercy be upon them.” (Galatians 6:16)
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